Dear Strawberry, I Became Unreliable.

Triggers: Suicide, death, Mental Health

The past few years I've experienced a lot of loss, it was constant, and it led to the biggest decrease in my mental health...which became the worst that my deppresion has ever been. It started with the lost of my pet, then the lost of friends to suicide, lost of valued friendships due to prioritizing myself to heal, and also deaths in the family. This time period has been nothing but lost for me...which eventually led to me losing myself entirely. I felt like life was just constantly going and I was stuck in place, and before I could process one thing, another thing happened.

When it came to modding, I attempted to catch up. But, I was constantly reminded of how behind I was, and it was so overwhelming. Everything in general felt impossibly hard to do, even small basic needs felt like a challenge, I felt so heavy, I felt so drained, and I could not think...I was just always dissociated. My passion for creating, the excitement, and the motiviation, all of it was gone. Not only was all of that gone but, the game I remembered had grown so much, so many updates had past, and all while my mods continued to be years behind. Whenever I finished updating slice of life, or other mods, it would take so long that another patch would come, and it became a cycle of disappointing my supporters. Should I just quit? Am I going to lose all of my supporters?

Music, it was the only thing I was capable of creating, besides other distractions to keep my mind off of things. Even if I wasn't singing about my loss, just singing and being able to create in some type of way, as a creative, it gave me hope. But, I also felt guilty about each song I released, knowing how far my mods were behind, knowing how many people have been waiting so long for a mod to be updated. But, this was helping with my mental health, it was giving me hope, and it was a reminder that not all is lost, I'm still in here somewhere.

After years of loss even up to the present, here I am, still alive, and finally healing. My passion is returning, my motivation is returning, my interest in my hobbies are returning, my desire to play my favorite game again...the sims. I have entered a metamorphisis like state, I've healed so much, I've grown so much, I've become so much strong, and a more healthier version of myself. I feel it is almost time for me to come out of my cocoon and become a butterfly.

You may have noticed my rebranding. I wanted a fresh look to represent a new beginning. I would like to start fresh. I think going back to the beginning and making baby steps towards the future will be a good decision for me. I need to experience this all from the start again, like a new modder. I need play & experience this new updated version of sims, and see where I can add a little a bit of sparkle to the game again~

This song is my "acceptance" stage of grief, accepting that everything has an end, in a playful way:

I'm not sure if I will get rid of what I've created...but I would like to focus on new things.

My question for you, my little strawberry is...will you come on this journey with me again? As, I find myself, and find my love for creating again?